Exam is Over, Baby

Great news, exam is over! Another great news, i got recess for a week! Yippie sooo happy and feel sooo relieved. Btw, this is 4th day after exam. I'm not making this post directly after my exam, I'm just the way too lazy lately :p

Now, I'm still waiting for the GPA result from UNSW. Im not really worry now because actually I'm going to take diploma first in UTS, so no need GPA result for UTS insearch. The best news is, I'm only gonna spend 2 years and 8 months in university, wowww. I love UTS. Mihihi so happy. However, mommy still want me to give my best shot on the semester exam in foundation. Okay, aye aye, sir! I will work on it! B-)

Hmfff since there's nothing important that i want to tell u guys anymore, lemme sleep tight tonite and enjoying my one week holiday :3

Exam's Pressure

Helooow again! As u can see, my expectation results on nothing for those two guys i admire recently. Theres no feedback on my feeling for them i guess hahaha. Sooo guys, I'm still lonely and single...hahahaha, sounds pathetic right? Hmmfff, i don't careee. Well, Im not that ugly, i can still find a man that worth to wait :p Hahaha somehow I'm so confident. But guys, its not what I'm going to talk about. Right now I'm in the middle of my exam. The pressure is on! However, ThanksGod there's a 3 days break for my exam. Its kinda decreasing my pressure and theres still lot of time to studehhh, yeay.

Right now, i want to share my exam story with u guys. So, as u know, I'm the student of UNSW foundation year in jakarta called Uniprep. The exam over all it is quite hard. The place for exam is at 11th floor sequis building, the place its like a court. Whenever exam its about to begin, i become nervous. The worst thing is my computer practical and theory exams it is kinda mess. I hate computer studies huhuhu. I wanna cry, run, and quit actually, but i can't. I have to face it. I have to be brave to deal with it. My target is to get a good mark on the other subject and my goal is get GPA average 7,5. I want go to UTS. Plsss God. I really2 need to go there. Thats my dream, study in Aussie. Thats all i ever wanted. Screw those boys who making me galau all the time and cannot study well hahaha, I'm already can face the truth that I be better of alone now so i can be more focus on my study. Now I'm gonna put all my concentration on study only.

Please, pray for me my dearest friends, hope i can pass the exam well and get high GPA score. Well, thats it. Now i have to go back to study again. Wish me luck, Adios amigos! :)

Old Chat Friend

Two days ago, when i found myself feeling lonely, there's my old chat friend who recently accepted me as his friend on Facebook and greeted me on fb chat. Its been such a long time i added him on fb, i didn't even know its him and i randomly want to add him at that time. Hahaha such a weirdo he just accepted my friend request 2 days ago.

After I got home from teater tarq. Its about 1 o'clock in the morning i went online and opened my fb. There's someone i didn't recognize at all greeted me on fb. First of all, he said 'is this kezia from tarlim junior high school?' after that i replied 'yes, where did u know?' and he said 'do u remember me?', and then i replied again that i completely forgot about him. He tried to make me remember. After a few minutes, i tried to guessing, i said 'r u ***?' and then he said 'yes'. We chatted for one hour or more and i got tired. I said goodbye to him and signed out first.

OMG. He's back. I know him since I'm still in grade 7. He's so annoying that time. He is like a ghost. Come and go. Unpredictable. Now he's back again? Such a joke in my life. I found him is interesting guy now and kinda nice. Sooo different with the old him. And i found he's quite cute from his photo on fb HAHAHA omg I'm misguided. I remember he said he was ugly and i believed him HAHAHA. Okay. End admire him in here. Actually i also had crush on him when I'm still in junior high school. We chatted a lot in msn messenger back then. Even he's annoying at that time, he oftenly greeted me on msn messenger. I rarely or close to never greeted him on msn messenger, he was the one who always greeted me. But i used to pissed off with him because he always closed our conversation with annoying topic hahaha. Such a weird guy hahaha. I also remember, he ever gave me compliment on my dp in msn, he said that I'm pretty :3 HAHAHA. What a stupid flashback.

Its been 2 days we are not chatting anymore on fb. Actually, i wait for him everyday when I'm online in fb. I always check on my fb chat he's online or not. Im waiting for him to greet me again. Its like everything is back and i also thinking "is he the one? maybe he's the guy I'm waiting for?" hahaha but i never want to put expectation on anyone. However, i couldn't deny that i wait for him. I hope we can talk a looooot again and chatting for hours. Am i wrong to feel this way? I just don't want disappointed 1000 times, u know? Its hurt :( So, i just let everything flow. Take it easy.

....But why i really hope we can be together? Maybe, because he's easy going and its fun to talk to him. We can talk everything for nothing. Joking around. Mocking each other without feeling guilty. Hahaha. Can we be together? Just wait, pray, and see. To be continued... Kidding :p

Please Hear My Cry Out

Do u know what the hardest thing in life? When u fight for several people u love the most in this world, but they don't recognize it. They even still demand something that somehow they know u won't achieved it. They want u become the duplicate of someone better, someone is not u. Thats how i feel today. I try my best to make everything okay but I'm not appreciated. The most hard part is I'm not appreciated by my closest people in my life, which is my family. My parents, they always compare me with my brother and my sister. Why mom? Why dad? I am a good kid. Im not like my friends. I always concern about u both, but none of u realize it. Why both of u forget my kindness easily rather than my bro&sis. It hurts u know. Moreover, u both make me like this while my exams is getting closer.

Letter to mom and dad :
Dear mom&dad, can u see my changes in life? I change a lottt for u both. Its good for me, i know. But i struggling hard to achieve everything that u want. None of words that came out from ur mouth I'm not listen. I may look like careless, but believe me i reflect every word that came from ur mouth in my mind and try to fix it. I just want u both love me for who i am and understand me. Please hear my cry out. I try to be different in this world, follow the good and avoid the bad. Try to be good, while others not. Try to hear, while others not. Try to understand, while others not. But none of u both realize it. Since i realize how big is ur love for me, i study hard. But sadly, i never reached my target. Its always end up with so-so or I'm failed. It is my limitation. Lets put it I'm an idiot, at least I'm struggling. I always try to reach my goal. Can u even appreciated me a little? I do, i do wanna make u both smile, i do wanna make u both happy. More than u guys imagine, somehow in my mind, my goal in life is for u both. To make u guys happy it is all i ever wanted. When u both smile, i know thats my happiness. I do want to go to university and graduate for u both too. Have a good life. Be a super rich to take care of u, when u are getting older and older. I even imagine travelling a world with u guys and we are all super happy. All is for u both, my dreams is u both. Why none of u realize? Maybe I'm not a child who can show my love by actions because I'm busy. But when i do everything, i always put u guys in my mind, so i won't do anything wrong and so i work hard for everything in my life. I never underestimated life because of u both. And most of it, u both are the reason for all this time i don't wanna ruin my life at all.

If u both don't love me anymore or don't care about me anymore, maybe I'm gonna die. No point, I do all this things.

Please, please, please understand me. When I say i have to study and try to avoid everything it doesn't mean I'm selfish, I just don't wanna repeat my failure in life. When i try to find entertainment with my friends it doesn't mean I'm selfish, I just stuck with my study and i just want to have fun for a while.

To mom :
Somehow, because ur demand is too high mom, I'm avoiding u. I just don't like to argue, it always end up with fight between us. Both of us mad to each other and its sad. No use. U make every little thing become big. Why don't u make everything become simple? So, ur life will be easier.

To dad:
It is often u act freak, dad. Im okay with that, but please don't hurt my feelings. Don't pass my comfort zone. When u do that, i become defensive. I love u, but u never understand me. I really understand ure a so-humble-person, even ure often to act like a poor person hahaha but don't ask me to be like u. I can be humble, but i can't act like a poor person. So don't ask me to be like that please. Please respect me as i am. Lets just be normal and enjoy every second of our life. We life only once, so have fun with it.

Maybe i never have a chance to say like this to both of u, but thats all i wanted to say.

Real or Not?

I don't know. It could be I'm falling for him. But, somehow i still won't admit it. Im scared of fallin for the wrong person or I'm the one who has feeling for the guy again. Oh please, if u just want to be my friends, could u keep distance from me? I mean don't be too nice for me, cause I'm a girl who easily fallin for a guy who care and act nicely to me.

i.have.to.go

One thing on my mind right now, it keeps on saying 'i have to go immediately, i don't care'. My heart scream, my head going to blow up. I can't control my emotion. It feels like i want to scream to stop everything. I wanna run, but i can't. I want to go somewhere, but i don't know where. It seems i can't do everything. I just feel anger. But i have to control it. I keep on hold it. One thing i know for sure, i am angry. So so angry. Now, i understand what high blood pressure is. It caused from anger. My brother said, if our anger reach climax point, we can kill someone. First of all i thought it is bullshit, but now i do believe. My anger haven't reach climax point, but all i know I'm in high temper rite now. I want to scream, yell, and destroy/smash something. Or run to nowhere. But, as i told u, nothing i can do. So i just hold it. Take a deep breath. Trying to calm down myself. Trying to be normal again. I found peace in writing. So i just put down my feelings on this post. I hate mad, angry, hatred, and all the negative things. But, i can't stay away because it is a part of life. I don't like when someone lose control, even me. Please, please, and please people. Hold urself when u are angry. It is important. I like much much better talk. Talk everything from ur heart. Nothing that cannot be resolved. Mad is desease. If u keep on continue to let mad control u, u can lose control. U can forget everything. U cannot distinguish between right and wrong. All u defend is urself, u forget about everyone around u. That's why i hate mad. I don't wanna ever be that kind of person. Mad sometimes is okay, mad for reason and mad if only something wrong. All u have to remember is don't ever lose control. Don't u ever continue it. I can bring u disaster, without u realized it sometimes. So please, hear me out. And i wrote this especially to my mom, i know u often right. But sometimes u can be wrong. I just want to remind u. It is not good. U forget everything. No one can calm u down. No one can talk to u. When u are angry, mom, everything seem black and dark. Now, let me made my decision. I have to go. I love u, but i can't control u. I have life. I don't want to be crazy because of ur loud voice and ur angry actions. Sometimes u mad not for a reason. It is making me confuse and trying find a false in me. But literally, i find nothing. I can't stand it, mom. I can't live with u. We have wrong mind. All u have to know, i wil always respect u. And i always love u, in any conditions. Always mom, always.

Main Desire for 2012

Ohya I have another request, I want boyfriend also! Hahaha! I want to have a great guy in my life this year, please God  :)

New Year, New Spirit

Firstly,

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR

Secondly,

I want to say Thanks specially to God for everything. I already live in this world for 18 years and today is the first day of 2012. Today I realized from every years I've been through, many things that I can take the boon. Especially from year 2011, which is the hardest year that ever happened in my life. I admit it, it has been very tough. But, thankGod that now I already passed it.

Lastly,

Today let me say, I'm grateful at everything that ever happened in my life. I hope the best for the future and I hope in 2012 my life will be much much muuuch better.

Let's have wonderful year, people!