Thanks Lord :)

This is not about the result of my final exams, but this is about my personal problems with me and my mom. I prayed to God to fix my broken heart and give me a way out, then He answered it & He granted my wish. Moreover, He also give me blessing thru my dad. Im so thankful i have Him. I know He's a great God. He never let me down & He never broke his promises. All you have to know is He only granted everybody's wishes at the right time & at the right place.


So, this is me and my mom's story;

We caught big fight yesterday. My heart was hurt, and so does her. But finally i told my real feelings to her after she mad at me. The hurt feelings that never spoken out, that always i keep it on my own. And finally she realizes that theres something wrong between our relationship, as a mom and daughter.


"Honestly, i feel like my position as her daughter in her eyes are different from my brother and sister. Both of them are so mature, smart, and in front of her eyes they almost perfect. Unlike me. Well, I'm trying to be like them, but sadly, i never reached the standard." 

Im asking my mom to accept me they way i am, because this is me and i cannot be as perfect as them. But, i also told her that i will trying all my best to make her proud. I said I'm sorry for things I've done. I said no matter what happens I'm gonna leaving jakarta, leaving her and this family for good. I just want to fix everything up before i go. I wanna make up this relationship, so theres no hurt feelings and hatred inside my heart that could lead me far away to her.

I also said, "No matter what happens and no matter what you do, i will always love you, mom. Everything that i do in my life is for you. I try to do my best in every chances is for you. My goal is to make you happy someday. Even thou i have ever fall, i would rise for you. So, please mom lets fix our relationship before i go. We don't have much time left. Four months is fast actually and please don't take it for granted."

She cried...

When she cried, it brokes my hearts. It really does. My hatred disappear, it changes into affection and love. I sympathy to her, because back then she doesnt realizes what she did. She asked for my forgiveness. She said she is sorry because cannot be a good mom for me. And she hugged me tight.

I reply her and said, "its okay, I'm used to it. I understand that you already old, so I'm the one who has to tolerated you. I know you got problems and stuffs too. Please don't cry. I love you, mom. Im sorry too for the things I've done wrong."


We make up. She's become so nice now & I'm so happy we could fix everything.

I have ever thought that our relationship cannot be fixed anymore. So i pray to God. I told Him to forgive her, forgive me if i have negative feelings for her and solve our problems if can. But, see, God shown me that theres nothing He cannot do. He can fix anything, He can heal everything, and He could changes something impossible to possible. Thanks Lord, You are amazing. Thankyou for Your presence in my life. Without You, I'm nothing.

Be Strong!!!

Dear me, please be patient. Good things will come eventually :''') Theres no word for quit on my dictionary. Please be strong and fight till the end.

My Terrified Feeling

I just need someone to talk so badly right now. Im so confused. I need to tell my story. Wanna to talk mouth by mouth to my close friends but no one available otp or on skype at this time. Oh God, please help me :'( please please please let me pass the final exams and get gpa around six, and get accepted into insearch uts. Im terrified, God. Please granted my wish. This is my future. This is my hope. And this is all i ever wanted. I never become so ambitious about my life, i always take it for granted. But, this time i mean it. I wanna change. I will responsible fully with my life. So, God, please help me granted my wish. Cause i know only You can help me. Only You, who have the power to make miracle. I surrender all my life in Your hands.

Rumours

Jadi di lingkungan manapun gue berada pasti selalu di gossipin. Masalah nya ini rumour yang bener2 fake  dan gue gada sangkut paut nya sama sekali. Tiba2 di gossipin aja. Dan di gossipin nya parah. Kaya ga ilang2 gitu gossip nya, everytime gue sm temen2 gue sll aja digodain. Hadoooh dont know what to say. Masalah nya temen2 gue suka pada mt gitu dalam rangka bercanda. Hahaha emg sialan mrk. Tapi yg jadi masalah buat gue, org yg di jodoh2 in sm gue tuh jelek banget, aneh iya, etc. Pokok nya faaar out from my criteria. So, kadang gue sebel. Tapi krn udah skg pasrah nya kadang gue bawa bercanda aja sambil ketawa ketawa. Nah ada 2 lingkungan yg selalu jodoh2 in sama cowo aneh, which is in uniprep dan katekisan. Kalo di uniprep tuh gue dijodohin sama lios hahahahasdfghjkl speechless gatau mesti ngmg apa. Terus kalo di katekisan gue dijodohin sama kepo, duhhhh ini lagi juga ga bener, engga bangeeeeet. Tauah, capek hahaha. Serah kalian mau ngmg apa sampe berbusa dan berusaha jodohin gue gue ga bakalan mau. Titik. Soal nya buat gue mrk engga banget hahaha. Fine sih kalo jd friends, but not more than that. Got it?

Let It Flow

helo!!! gue kangen bgt loh sm laptop gue. since exam gue ga nyentuh my baby iniii, gue cmn online pk computer kakak gue. nah, gue tuh skrg baru pulang les, capekkk bgt. trs cerita nya bsk libur, jd gue sempet2 in deh curhat bentar di blog ini. sebener nya gue punya banyaaaaak bgt cerita ttg final exams gue which is kinda dissapointing but its gonna take long time to write it and actually I'm too tired now. so, gue cuman mau curhat ttg perasaan gue skrg ya. ttg itu nanti gue post after i finished all of them aja. syp tau miracle could happen, right?

okay. td pas otw ke rmh dr tmpt les, kakak gue tlp, she told me that dia sm mama gada di rmh, mrk pergi. dlm hati gue udh ngerasa aja, yah home alone lagi. papa blm plg. di rmh tuh cmn ada bang bro which is bang brohim hahaha, dia itu kakek2 yg jagain rmh gue. duh boro2 ngmng sm dia, dia tuh ga connect bgt, udh gt dia budek lg hahaha and then dari dulu ga deket. well, hes nice anyway. kalo gada dia disaat saat gada pembantu gini gue gatau jadi nya ky apa my life. ohya! btw i got a maid! tapi cmn part timer gt loh. ga fully nginep serving everyday. duh still need one yg full timer nih, anyone interested? hahaha.

then, back to my story ya. kan gue ky pas perjalanan plg gt merasa kesepian. like always deh kez. mikirin masa depan lg. yup, itu yg sll ada di kepala gue. trs gue jg mikirin org2 lg pada apa. kangen bgt sm temen2 gue semua nyaaa. mulai dari sahabat, partner in crime, temen deket, dan temen biasa. jujur, gue udah lama ga bersosialisasi gr2 exam gue yg ky kentut ini. bener2 menyita waktu bgt. awas aja sampe hasil nya mengecewakan. terusss i feel like lonely and missing everyone gt. parahhh!!! mulai dari katekisan, ws, gonji, dll. mrk tuh bener2 something bgt dlm hdp gue. kalo kata syahrini sih, sesuatuuu bgt gitu haha apasih gue.

hm maaf ya dgn byk omongan gue yg basa basi. inti nya skrg tuh gue lg di rmh sendiri dan merasa kesepian. pengen aja punya org yg perhatiin like frequently. pacar? gapunya nyet hahaha. i wish i have. gebetan? jg gapunya. sumpah hidup gue super hampa. idk whats wrong with me. well, im fat sih. maybe guys jijik liat gue. tapi... knp byk wanita gendut diluar sana bahkan yg lbh gendut or jelek dr gue punya pacar? hahaha gatau, takdir kali ya gue hu. dr dulu pandangan gue itu, guy wants a perfect girl. whether yg jelek ato yg ganteng, mrk mau nya yg cantik hahaha boys lo gatau diri. pergi ke laut aja sono huahuahua. but, bcos of them, im trying to be one of that girl. buttt, ngurusin badan susah nyet. gue punya siklus makan yg tergantung sm mood. gym ga sempet. kan lg exam. trs kalo exam tuh trigger gue buat eat more, cause im having lack of sleep and i need energy. ya jadi gitu deh. so its not easy for me. moreover, I'm getting fatter. pasti gada yg mau sama gue krn enek ngeliat kegendutan gue skrg hahaha. serah deh i need a life brooo. lemme do what i want as long as its a positive thing.

yah yasudahlah, this is my life. i enjoy it anyway. i have great friends. sooner or later there will be someone yg mau menerima gue apa ada nya *yoiii bgt* hahaha. kalo sepi gue bbm temen2 gue aja susah bgttt. i shud find a way to distract my loneliness feeling. gaboleh ngeluh! hrs jd wanita yg mandiri! so, let it flow aja kali yaa~

My Final Exams Schedule

fri - computing
mon - legal
tue - math
wed - econ
fri - english

hopefully i can do all of them, wismilak! :)

Random Feeling

I feel like some people changing. Idk why. I just sad a little bit because i used to think the negative things first rather than the positive one. Hopefully its just my wrong feeling.

H-1 Final Exams

tomorrow is a big day for me which is... *drumroll* ..THE 1ST DAY OF MY FINAL EXAM!!!
which something i dislike *sigh* who likes exams anyway? nobody i bettt. if u do, then ure totally one of the craziest people on earth hahaha. well, i can't deny all my efforts for study this past 10 months is directly for this final exams. what can i say :/ I've been working so hard for this, hope ill pass it to get my target which is insearch uts :)
so, the first exam I'm gonna deal with is... *drumroll-again* ...COMPUTING STUDIES!!! hahaha sorry for making few of stuffs that i mentioned with kinda exciting drumroll. my computing studies gonna be held at 12 pm for C3. wohooo i still got plenty time for studying. thanksGod. for preparing this exam i did several things today, which are... *drumroll-again-and-again* hahaha kidding. so, here we go...

firstly, i went to cruch (well today is day of Jesus' ascension to heaven) and i feel like the preaching from preacher Lili today in Pangpol Curch is right for me. Its about human fear in future, which likely it is my biggest fear in life. But, she told us that as long as we have God in our life, nothing we have to fear about. He besides us, He will help us no matter how hard our life is. u know? i cried when i heard that. hahaha please don't laugh. its not that I'm kinda depressed hahaha but i can feel God's love. I feel His love for me and my family is sooo big. it cannot describe by anything in this world. however, because of the preaching today, my fear is starting to disappear cos i know i have God. no matter what happen in life and in the future, i still have Him. i believe, He will lead me to a beautiful place that i never imagine. well maybe sometimes it troughs hard times and bad times, but it will be magnificent eventually. so i surrender my final exams and my future in God :)

secondly, i went to liberica pp with wendy, bram, and lios for studying computer practical. it ends up with me and wendy whom studied the practical, lios became the teacher and bram became the gabut person hahaha so sorry bram for subtracting ur time for nothing rather than study. well thanks a lot for lios and bram already accompanied me and wendy for studying. it means so much for me, well i don't know whats wendy's comment hahaha. now, i understand computer practical completely in one of the question that sir andri gave. oh ya, btw, i had so much fun with them. they're so funny (hm.. me too! hahaha) so we laughed a lot today and its kinda decreasing my stress too for tmrrw exam.

finally, in my house, i reviewed my computer practical question that mr andri gave. but only one question hahaha, ill do the next one tonite.

hoammm such a tiring day or days? well i gotta say tiring WEEKS or even MONTHS hahaha. hope its all worth it. but sadly, today i was falling down because of my favourite sandals. its stupid. a nightmare before exams again haha. luckily, my foots are still be able to walk and only big bruised, but it still hurt thou. hm never mind! i still be able to do my exam tmrrw too. also, thanksGod, U still protect me from danger. moreover, please God, bless me for all of my exams. lastly, please wish me luck ppl! i will do my best shots :)

Curhat Kilat

hell-o. gatau kenapa tapi gue selalu ajaaa kangen sama buka blogspot yg selalu memotong jam bljr gue sebener nya haha. mulai dari baca post org2 terdekat gue sampe menumpahkan perasaan gue di blog gue. hm mgkn gue merasa terlalu kesepian kali ya :p udh bbrp hari gue libur dan kerjaan nya bljr trs, demiii nih demi future, hrs berjuang demi insearch uts!!! terus ya org2 tuh knp sih ga semua nya bls bbm gue, terutama temen2 sma dulu. woy kalo lo baca ini ya mulai dari fristine vita jasmine, plis dong kalo bls bbm tuh jgn seabad gt. capek tau ga :') gue butuh temen bicara huhu! jgn even ga di read donggg. capek ah sama kebiasaan kalian. hmm pdhl akhir2 ini bbm gue lg rame.. huahuahua. maaci temen2 yg peduli sama gue. kl gada mrk gue lonely abish~ mulai dr temen uniprep, temen katek, sampe ws, dll. seneng deh diperhatiin, soal nya mostly kalian bbm duluan. tumben haha, ky nya mrk tau gue stress. tp ya tp sumpah gue ngerasa jauh bgt sm fristine vita jasmine skrg. ky mrk sm gue udh punya dunia sendiri. pdhl kalian libur. huh tau deh yg udh libur sombooong. hahaha maafin gue ya nyolot. hari ini gue udh dr jam 1 pagi bljr. bljr tidur makan bljr tidur makan bljr tidur makan  bljr. gue stress. itu jg tidur nya 2 jam an T_T. mana bahan masih banyak. masih banyak ga ngerti pula. stress everywhere. gue udh makan 3x woy hari ini. banyak lagi. terus makan es krim 2 biji. gendut~ bodo deh gue gatau lg. stress klimax. kl gue mikirin soal gendut lg mgkn gue bs gila. terus udh dari hari2 sblm nya gue tidur ky kalong demi bljr. tidur nangung dan bgn tengah mlm lalu tidur lagi. udh dr 3 hari lalu kali. huah capek nyet. mana belom gue mesti nyuci pakean gue yg gabs dicuci pk mesin cuci krn gada pembantu. senam buat diri sendiri aja ga sempet. haduh Tuhan saya pgn ujian cpt sls, dpt pengumuman kabar baik, dpt uni, dpt pembantu, dan DAPET LIBUR pasti nya!!!

Thing That Oftenly Broke My Heart

when im sad or in bad mood, i try to cover it with smile and laughters just to make people around me keep happy. i dont want to involve them in my sadness. but when another people sad or in bad mood, they just act as they want. they treat people like they have to be tolerated because theyre not in good mood. i often get horrible feedback like that from people around me. its not that i demanding for a nice or equal feedback, but it just break my heart u know? its hurt to be treated like that by people u love, by people u concern about. well, my heart is break now. it breaks into a pieces. but what can i say. i love them. i should forgive them. so i should unite the pieces of my heart that already broken and put it in the right place again. and i have to continue my life again. cause i know, i wont be able life without them :'''

Sweet and Bitter Things of Life

ini adalah hari sabtu. yup, almost every weekend lately i spend it at ma hauzzz. hahaha pathetic isnt? gausah dijawab, gue udah tau jawaban nya emg iye kasian T_T hahaha. yaudahlah itung2 bljr yagak buat ujian nanti. mumpung lagi break bentar sblm melanjutkan aktivitas belajar gue yang sangat membosankan ini, gue mau cerita donggg. mau berkeluh kesah gitu cerita nya hahaha tailah sambil mau cerita kemaren seneng bisa ketemu ciwi2 dari sma gue duluuu wihi terutama ketemu si itin yg sudah berumur 18 skrg, tua lo tin! ...kaya gue :') hahaha.

mulai dari cerita fristine's bday treat dulu yaa. okay. itu tepat nya pas hari kamis kemaren. makasi itin kemaren traktiran nya, gue seneng bgt lohhh ketemu lo! gue juga seneng ktm sama cewe2 cantik ku yang lainnn, such as vita jasmine tasya gitta udu diandra. kapan2 mussst ya jln2 bareng lg, udah se abad seperti nya kita engga ngumpul. well, somehow gue skrg ga ngerti sih kalian ngmng apa dan emg udah beda gt topik nya, yaaa tapi kan kalo nanti kt sering ktm lg pasti bs nyambung lg kok :) im not changing at all, well phisically yes, but im still the old kezia. yang lucu itulohhh :3 haha plis gampar gue. oh ya oh ya hahaha terus mau cerita ttg kejadian pas jln kemaren. jadi tuh gue bikinin si itin scrapbook kan ya buat hadiah ulangtaun nya, trs rada failed gitu hahaha. cerita nya tuh gue pas ngasih scrapbook itin hrs nya kan udah ada foto itin sendiri di  first page nya sama mau scrapbook nya di taliin krn jelek kalo pake map, nah tapi krn saking sibuk nya gue blm sempet2 nyetak foto lagi dan blm sempet beli tali. trs pas udh hari H mau ktm itin, mau ngasi gitu gue baru nyetak foto dan akhir nya jd pake map gt, ga sempet ditaliin hahaha maaf frisss ga sengaja bgt sumpah, tapi gue niat bgt itu bikinin buat lo, sampe gue korbanin waktu bljr gue loh trs pas practice exam gue dongo :''') nah trs yg konyol nya lg, vita males nemenin gue buat ke lantai dasar ngambil foto nya itin, trs jadi itin yg nemenin gue ngambil foto HAHA padahal itu hadiah nya dia loh. ga surprise lg deh... yaudah deh gue super failed bgt, sempet sedih sih krn rada konyol gt gue, tapi yaudahlah haha kata itin dia seneng lohhh. wuhuu~ sampe dia post tuh di blog nya. terharuuu :') makasi fristine ku sayanggg :* ({}) at least usaha gue ga sia2 kan ya? :)

nahhh selesai dgn cerita jalan kmrn. sekarang gue mau berkeluh kesah yaaa haha. gue bete. bete bgttt. ini sabtu dan gue merasa super kesepian hahaha. udah berapa lama ya gue kaya gini? udah lama banget kali ga keitung. gue pergi tuh jatoh2 nya weekdays sama temen gue. kalo weekend skrg end up di rmh. orangtua gue juga udah lama gapernah ngajak jalan lg pas weekend. huu sedih deh kangen sama masa2 dulu. ya emg keadaan berubah sih. gue sebagai anak harus menyesuaikan dan tetep mensyukuri apa yang udh dikasih Tuhan. yakali gitu ya gue mau ngomel2 sama orang tua gue minta jalan gitu bareng. sbnr nya udah lama jg sih ga spend family time together gt satu meja, makan bareng, hmm cmn yaudahlah mrk sibuk. mana skrg gue lg gada pembantu lg. nightmare before exams hahaha tailah. kalo yg di film kan nightmare before christmas :p nge garing dikit dulu gue cerita nya mihihi~ nah krn gada pembokat, jadi nyokap gue tuh kerjaan nya ngomel mulu. haduh pala gue bentar lg meledak nih. nyokap deh skrg yg bersiin rmh. trs kalo dia capek dia ngomel. trs nyokap jadiin org seisi rmh juga jadi pembantu lg T_T. hahaha trs gue suruh cari pembantu kan ya, trs kata nyokap cari pembantu tuh susah. masa iya sih? perasaan hampir seluruh penduduk di jakarta punya pembokat hahaha. hm gue ngerti sih maksud dia cari pembantu yang baik itu susah. yaudah sih kl gt awasin aja pembantu nya, susah amat mamiiii. aku kan mau ujian jadi capek harus nyuci baju sama nyuci piring. huhuhu. nyokap ga ngerti gue banget. yaudahlah gue menyerah mencoba ngmng sama dia. ntr malah ribut lagi. gue gasuka banget arguing. mendingan gue diem. duhhh pipol, doain gue ya biar gue cepet dapet pembantu. gue sengsara banget nihhh :'( hmm ato ada yang berminat jd pembantu gue? kalo gt harap hubungi saya secepat nya ya! hahaha.

Final Exams and Future

its been a while I'm not posting in this blog as u see. there are many pressures that i have to face it, which is study study study and study til i throw up. today is 4th may of 2012. my final exams gonna begin at 18th may of 2012. it means H-14 til my exams begin. 2 weeks more. how does it feel? terrify. this exam gonna decide my future. whether i stay in jakarta or moving to sydney? whether i keep on moving to sydney but take major of finance or culinary? i think about it everyday. my future. what do i really want? what kinda person i want to become? what my future will be? future husband, family, jobs, social life, materials that i have, living in apartment, and everything that i cannot mention one by one. can i really achieve my dreams? every time i ride my car, i look outside from the window of my car, i imagine everything, i try to put scenarios of my future in order. hoping and praying to God, that someday i will become a person that all i wanted. i have no plan beside going to sydney. why? because i put all my expectations in there. many people have asked me, why i chose to go rather than stay? the answer is because going to australia is the beginning of my dreams. it is all what i want. it is what all I'm fighting for. no matter how hard it is, i will try my best. i want to become successful person. i want to be an independent woman. no matter how stupid i am now, but not in my future. i want to make up all my faults. I'm ashamed with my parents. i always make difficulties to them. i still feel carry a burden. my parents are my burden. my mind always keep on whisper 'what if'. if i failed to pass this exam, if i failed to graduate on university, if i failed to make them happy, if i cannot payback their kindness. i don't know what shud i do anymore if one of those things that I'm afraid the most about to happen. like i said before, I'm terrifying. i just want to make everything work as my plan. please God, I'm begging You. i want to pass the final exams with a good grade and get a diploma first in INSEARCH UTS and then get in to university in UTS. I want to make me and my parents happy :')

one of my subject that I'm studying, which is economics. the most important one.