Stand Up for Pride!

this song is about confession of broken heart. it shows that what hurt you, what make you fall can make you stand up & stronger. i have ever failed, i made a failure, & i got underestimated by some ppl. now, i just want to stand up for my pride. cause i know how much it hurts my feeling. fyi, its so damnnn hurt!  and u know what? becos of that, i say to myself that i will work hard so no one can underestimate me again. i won't let my failure happen again. i wont give up. not even for a second. just like this song, i will be sparkling because i can rise from my failure. i will be learn from it and i will make all those ppl who ever underestimated me regret what they've done. so haters, eat this. someday there will be time for me to smile widely, because i can make it and i can conquer all of you ;)

Fragile

fragile. its the right word that describe my feeling lately. i couldn't deny that i often feel lonely. all I'm doing now is just study study and study, in purpose to get uni on final exams. moreover, theres so much pressure from my family that always make me sad. also, everything usually end up with something that I'm not expected. dissapoinment everywhere. idk why. i wanna run immediately by going to aussie soon, but i can't. if i do, things maybe will get worse. I'm so confuse. what shud i do? :( i really2 don't know. maybe all i have to do is just wait for the miracle. i do believe in God and i do believe in miracle. i just hope everything will change into something good and my fragile feeling disappear soon :''').

The Truth is.. #3

My Feeling Lately..

lately everything seems so blur u know? my view point about many people start to changes because i know more about them. its hurt to seeing people that we love around are not like in our mind and are not like we expected to be. esp guys. there are view nice guys that i have as my close friend, i thought they are nice and different. but lately when i know them more, they end up same with another guy. i don't know whats wrong with the world and the guys. they are jerk, u know? i start to not trusting guys, none of them. also, these days many things going on and its crazy. bad things happened eventually. many people are hard to understand. they are seem like person that i don't know anymore. so, it is hard for me to trust anyone, included my family, and esp guys. sometimes i just wanna disappear from this world u know. I'm sad with everyone. there are some days that they make feel like I'm the happiest girl on earth and there are some days that they make me feel like a rubbish. nowadays i even start to backpack on everyone. I'm scared if they will hurts me. I'm scared if i know more about them, it would hurts my feeling more. do u know what even make me sadder? until now i haven't met someone who love me unconditionally. but if i think, how can i expect like that? cause the reality is many people start to ignoring me and don't care about me again, even the close one. everything change. it gets harder harder and harder. i miss everyone. but maybe they don't ever think about me even for a second. i don't know is this just my feeling or is this the reality? because my mind like to trick me. well, i hope this is just my random sad feeling because I'm too tired.

Note For Me to Take Care My Appearance

If you really really love urself, u shud take care of ur body. If you really really want perfection, u shud take care ur body from head to toe. No excuse, because if u really really want it, u will find a way.

Love?

today I'm gonna post about my confusion. actually its about relationship in love life. many people seem easily to get boyfriend or girlfriend. idk why. i don't get it. why for me its so hard to get one. well, sometimes i kinda shock to hear that my friends already in relationship. i'm confused, how they do that? i can't deny that I'm oftenly jealous. all i know, I'm not gonna lowering my standard to get one guy fast. i know I'm not perfect. i know i have so many weaknesses. i'm fat, I'm not pretty, i oftenly stupid and not connect sometimes hahaha. but really? am i that ugly? am i not that attractive as a girl? am i not deserve even one man in this world? oh puhleaseee, why til now i haven't got any boyfriends? i tried everything to make me prettier than before and many ppl said that i made it. well, i think i haven't made it and i still on my way to it. however, is it my hardworks r not enough to get a perfect guy for me? i'm wondering, where is that guy that fit for me? i'm dying waiting everyday for that guy. i feel lonely somehow as a girl has to stand up all alone to face the world.

all I'm trying to say is when it concerns to relationship with a guy, I'm not a girl that find a guy just for fun, i don't want a guy that only fulfil my emptiness. i really wanna find a guy that really2 care to me. he hears me, i hear him. he knows the real me, i know the real him. we have feedback to each other. not only fallin from the outside, but from the inside too. i really2 wanna fallin in love because the boundaries between us r strong. cos i wanna find a home. a home where i feel save & warm.

many of my best friends r said that my criterias for a guy is too perfectionist and too many. but actually it is not. well, i did hahaha but not anymore. now i know what i really want. i don't want to find a guy that just for fill my emptiness, for pride, watch movie together, otp only for talk nonesense/fighting, and whatsoever. u know what? thats so childish. its a teenage things. i don't want that. well I'm 18th yrs old now, but really, many conflicts in my life making me mature a little bit fast. as u can see, my life is already hard now, i don't want another disaster. as example, if my boyfriend giving me a trouble too then i would not able to continue my life hahaha kidding.

actually my criteria for a guy is simple. really simple. i am a flexible girl. theres only one criteria that make me fallin in love to a guy so hard, which is listening. i love to a guy who kindly spending their time listen to me when I'm talking or sharing. i love to talk. i love to sharing my experience, talking about life, talking about the values of life, joking around, or even sometimes talking for nothing to someone. for me, a guy who willing spend their time only to have conversation with me for a long time is amazing. a guy who wants to listen to a girl stories r rare. so rare. but most of it, i love to talk about the values of life to a guy. actually when I'm talking about that, i also testing the personality of that guy hahaha. smart isn't? i wanna know the maturity level of that guy. i can even fallin for an ugly guy that have a great personality hahaha. the other criterias r secondary for me. fyi, i only find 2 guys that really2 can listen to me. both of them i think mature enough as a guy to have a relationship with a girl. their understanding to a girl quite high and they r very patient. those two guys r so nice, buttt one from them is already got a girlfriend and the other only assumes me as his little sister. well it is pathetic. i gotta find another guy that similar to them :p hahaha kidding.

now, i have many guy friends. and we r good friends. also i  really2 know how to differentiate them. thanksGod finally i know the difference between friends and love in the guys zone. in the past i didn't know how to differentiate it. i even had troubles be friends with the guys until hs because too confident hahahaha. i was oftenly thought that a guy nice to me, because that guy likes me. HAHAHAHA. now i wanna laugh to myself, cos I'm so stupid. wohooo now I'm over it! *dancing*

here it is, as my statement that i told u before, i will not falling to a guy unless he can hear me out. if we don't know each other well, how can we be in love? am i right, everybodehhh? so back to my first topic,  how come many people fallin in love to each other only from the physical? is that love? I'm wondering, but 80% i'm not sure it is. i guess it is lust. personally, for me, i don't believe love at the first sight or love because the attractive physical appearance. in my opinion, it is only a crush. it is for a while and not last long. for me, even if there is one guy that is very2 handsome and he approaches me, as example he's very perfect but he never knows me well (so do i), i tendly would not be with him. i rather fallin for simple guy who ordinary but he is like my criteria on the above. honestly, i even have ever fallin in love to an ugly guy who's willing to spend his time to talk with me, he accompanied me waiting for my sister for 2 or 3 or 4 hours maybe hahaha crazy isn't? he's so damn nice. we talked for hours about everything. i hv to admit it, it was fun. even there was pro and contra in our conversation, but over all in my opinion he's fun to talk with. we shared everything in our mind. he's honest about him and he doesn't try to cover him with anything. he's not afraid that i might disagree with his opinion. wow, a guy with open-minded. i really appreciated a guy like that. well, he's one of a guy that i mentioned before, sadly he only assume me as his little sister T_T.

so people, think about what i said. is that a girl/boy beside u now is ur love or lust? my definition can be right or wrong, but its my viewpoint. well, for me i rather waiting for the right guy to comes, cos I'm a girl and theres nothing i can do except wait. i never want to move on first on a guy, even thou i like that guy so much, its a rule of lady, "let the guys move" hahaha B-).
again, in this post, i want to emphasise just like in my post before, which is "it is not about perfection, but it is about understanding between a person to another to make a perfect chemistry." okay, so thats it. just think about my post deeply. no offence, ppl :)