"Food doesn’t taste better or worse when documented by Instagram. Laughter is as genuine over Skype as it would be sharing a sofa. Pay attention. Take in nature, hold someone’s hand, read a book. But don’t ever apologize for snapping a photo of a sunrise after a hike, or blogging about the excitement of having a crush, or updating your goodreads account. All of these things are good and should be celebrated. Smile at strangers on the sidewalk and like your friends’ selfies. It’s all good for the human spirit. "

"Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for. Mold your career around your lifestyle not your lifestyle around your career. "

"I can honestly say the best thing I’ve ever done for myself is not give a damn about anyone’s opinions or misconceptions about me."

"If you look at the fact that you have a roof over your head, food to eat, that you are young and beautiful and live in a peaceful land, then no, you have nothing to be sad about. But the fact is, we are not only a physical body, we have souls too, and sometimes our souls get sick. If you break a leg you don’t just say ‘I have no reason to have a broken leg’ and ignore it; you seek help. It’s the same when your soul gets hurt. Don’t apologize for being sad. "

"I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone. "

An Answer to My Emptiness

So this sentences that literally opening my eyes. 


"And I am thankful for every lessons, every heart break.
 For those lessons purpose was not making my life bitter, nor close my heart.They come into life just to reveal another layer of myself and then leave. Their purpose is to shake me up, tear apart my ego a little bit, show me my obstacles and addictions, break my heart open so new light can get in, make me so desperate and out of control that i have to transform my life. And I do.
"

Do you get the message of that? For me those words so powerful. So strong, knocking my heart. 

It is human's message of improvement on their life. Everyone's who is struggling so much to reach their dreams must be can really feel those words. Especially when you need to deal with the real world, which is facing lot of people its never easy. 

And honestly, I've been there. Like a lot. Even still now. Somehow, i think its like repetition process of life. No matter what stage you are. Keep falling, learning, and improving.

Well is funny how everyone try to convince me that i am almost complete, life shows me that is definitely not. Why? Because I realise especially I need to learn more about love. 

Brain and heart suppose to be working together. When brain working more than heart, you achieved your goals but you lose your empathy. When you use heart more than brain, you become fool and can be manipulated by everyone. For a while I've been using my brain too much and forgot how to love. And I want to learn to love again. Learn to love God, family and others without forgetting my responsibility.


Yes, you could say almost all my wishes had been granted. Especially for girls on my age who I found mostly are very different from me. Still lot more to work on tho. Im young and still 20. 

But God never answer about love of my life since I was teenage. Maybe I have learn to love first, then He will answer for my prayer. If I'm having Mr. No one now even, maybe I will still feel lonely and couldn't keep him in my life.

God is so good to me. If I don't Him as my guidance, I will be turning into those people with cold hearted. Who achieved their goals and have everything but don't understand about love.


Well everyone has different story and opinion, but this is mine.

Grieving Heart part 2.

Day by day i can feel that im sad. I can feel that i am fragile. It is undiscribeable why. Most of it because everything. Everything that i work on it seems useless, lonely, no one to cheer up my gloomy days, no shoulder to lean on everytime i want to take a little rest, no ears that ready to hear my worriness and sad stories, no jokes to bring out my wild laugh. I lost faith in life. Tears from eyes cant stop running down.

You may asked, "how come a girl like her could be sad? A girl like her have pretty face, tall body, have nice curves on her body and money that she earned by herself. What she missed?"

Or

"How come girl like her that everyone know so strong and stubborn could become so fragile?"

The answer i dont know. I even wonder why. Maybe human dont builed to be strong forever. There will be time for them to fall, depressed and be weak. For that i am been pushing myself so hard, still cant reach everything tho. 

I just hope this is only for a little while, because i wanna try again tomorrow. To work harder, to see better days, and to achieve the rest of my goals that i havent achieved.

The other side of a life.

What if, you know that the only way to happiness is keep loving and forgiving. To have a great love to each other. To give not to take. 

But, that terms doesnt happen when you working and need to manage people. Its like the idea of dream that never existed. You need to be smart, straight to the point, and stand up for your pride. Moreover, you know people are not easy to handle. They could turn you into person you never wanted, they change you.

However i never wish myself to be like this. Situation changed me. I follow the rules or i die. And honestly i never want to lose this battle, again. Because this is my dream. I risk everything only to get to this position where i become now.

I am sorry i am changed. But if i could have the chance to love someone, family, and close friends that will never leave me, i will love you all endlessly with all of my heart. I promise. Because i know every single of you is my pure hapiness.

Shot(s) at The Night

What I expected, this is the fairytale story i've been dreaming of since watched this video for the first time

Reality

The story of mine is not so much different from the girl above that you watched. Work hard too (but in the different industry) and living alone currently, and still single. Of course I'm feeling lonely too and kinda desperate just like the girl on the video.

I've been working so hard lately for 8 months and feeling tired with everything, feel like have no motivation anymore, and literally hate my job currently. Its like same shits different day. Nothing new. And since month ago, i feel like my performance decreasing like hell. I don't give shit about anyone at all, i just wanna go home when I'm at work lol.

So when all of my friends comeback from Jakarta, Indonesia we were planning to go to party. Definitely i would go to cheer me up, i have been lonely as crazy and sad when they're gone.

Finally two days ago at Saturday i went to the party with them. It was kinda disaster i end up going more than tipsy which is like drunk a bit. Still remember almost everything tho.

We went to Marquee Sydney for Havana Brown. I accidentally had like 6 shots on pre-drinks before that and my stomach is so empty, i got so high on the taxi. I keep complaining that I'm so hungry and wanna eat something, but they won't let me knowing i will get totally sober after that. While my other friend that high already keep saying that she is sooo happy, and she keeps saying want to eat something that coloured black. I still remember i couldn't stop laughing. And yes, she is right about alcohol makes us so happy.

I still could pretend that I'm sober to get in to there. Yet inside, i think I'm going crazy dancing listen to those music and beats that couldn't keep me stop moving. Actually i couldn't manage standing up properly till lot of my friends need to carry my hands, otherwise i fall. Its like the happiest of day with lovely friends since i have to facing nightmares a lot in college and workplace especially. I did enjoying the night.

Still going for 2 or 3 more drinks in there tho, well gladly I'm still remember everything.

Just like any other girls story, heels stop us from dancing. It was painful.

End up eating at mcd and sleepover at my friend house. Outside was sooo freezing and literally we having trouble to walk because of the heels. It was like surviving to live after the party.

When the morning comes! I supposed to go to church at 8 am and follow choir practice, yet obviously its so failed. I end up at my best friend bed with hangover head. Like literally. My surface of the head very itchy as well, my head so heavy. And at afternoon need to work as well. You tell me what it feels like after long night party hard and drinking too much.

And guess what. I end up at vegetarian cafe. It was like creepy nightmare in cold day. Thought will go to devon cafe in Sydney for perfect lunch after crazy night, yet end up at place that has no meat and dairy product as well. Was going with my friend, her friend and the sister of her friend as well. Awkward moment level 100.

Still manage to act super normal. Ok calm down, i tell to myself to chill, its not that bad. Yet i think everyone seems creepy in there. Fyi do you know what i wear? Still that dress with coat that success to cover everything and sandals. I look dodgy to the core. End up only ordering vegetarian cakes and mocha with almond milk that success make me even get dizzier. None of food that i ordered i finished it. It was so cold and idk why we sat outside. Well honestly i didn't want to seat inside also, the people and the smell of veggies food doesn't look like a good view. So after a very very very awkward lunch hang-out with two strangers with hangover feeling i decided to go first.

Supposed to take two bus to go home, but i just took one and walk to home because its not that far from home. End up running to home with sandals because crazy cold, and still have hangover and i just don't know i have strong random want to run suddenly.

As i arrived in home, i just pulled meat that I bought in advance from fridge and just chucked in the oven. I took a bath and when it was ready i just eat that meat gracefully with crackers. HAPPY DAY finally. I could get myself sober because of the meat.

Such a different story that i expected from that video... Or i expected like at least meet perfect man in the party and escape with him for a perfect night. But anyway, this is the version my story. Yet epic and memorable. Im glad I've been going thru that things.

Good lesson learned! No more not eating before drinking a lot, buy new comfortable heels so could dance longer, no more go to vegetarian cafe after hangover, and bring back up shoes. Esp don't go with another people you don't know even with you friend, you could have very random conversation. Well except that person joined the party on the night before with you!

Hope you won't repeat the mistakes as i did on the next day after party hahaha! But anyway its ok to have a hangover at workplace, just don't injure yourself or get fired (my crazy friends at workplace used to teach me to do that) :p have a good night everyone! Xx

Be Strong.

Dear me,


you don't deserve to be hurt, you don't deserve a pain. you have worked so hard. don't listen, look, and think negative thing from other people. so go chase your dream. don't give a shit about anyone that doesn't love you. don't even take time to think about them, because they don't do the same way.

so love yourself, family, and close friends

keep nice, and be strong to everyone. also don't forget to be happy, to put smile on your face.

just do, do your best and don't expect anything. otherwise you'll be hurt.

be a girl with vision and the rests will follow.

this is not a post to pity yourself, but to always make you remember to be strong.


Love,
from yourself.

Grieving Heart.

Its funny how myself turning into 180 degrees. The girl used to be the most cheer up one and seems so happy with everything that she does, become a person she thought she never was.

Start with her career. Its not what she wants to be the chef in the hotel she's working currently. Since she start working in there for short period, she knows there something wrong with it. But she need to stay there for her resume at least a year and they pay a good money, plus she has good team lately. Her passion for her dreams start decreasing, her creativity starts to fade away, she's feeling on the bottom of the world right know. Trying to escape the world she couldn't.

Start with family. She just got left by her brother that having long holiday back to Jakarta. She lives by her own in pretty big flat. All her family gather together in Jakarta seems so happy, while she has to study and work her ass off to get what she wants in life. She is the loneliest that she is ever been. Fighting alone.

Start with friends. There are several kind of friends.
She has massive friends that always talking about their insecurities about physical look. It is important about being good in physical, but they always judge what she eats. Honestly, they don't push her to be good-looking but just surrounded by people like that make her uncomfortable. She can't eat at night and she hate the fact that eating plenty-good-fat food make her gain weight, so she needs to stop. Even tho she already lost lot of weight and working hard, she still need to punish herself of being happy with those food.

And.
She has friends that catch her interest, but can't be close enough with them. Because different. They seems cool and know a lot, but she just doesn't know how to makes friends with them. Anyway they are not that cool, but they do think they are. Everytime saw their posts on Facebook, somehow its killin her because she knows somehow they are one step ahead her. Again, insecurities.

Also.
Friend that annoyed her. This is the kind of people that could make her stress and become sarcastic. Friend that is lazy or think they are the smartest but in fact not or not using common sense. She just turned into bitch when facing this people. This people always testing her patience, when obviously she always tired with work. Giving bad impression of her.

Start with her love life. Its just so hard for her to find the right guys isn't? Most of it are jerks. The good guys are cowards. Making her life more unstable. Her life even more lonelier for waiting the one who fits her heart. She wasted tears even for missing someone and feeling not good enough when she doesn't  have to.

So
She start feeling her life unbalanced. Everything seems go wrong. Lonely and insecurities is her #1st rated problem. She starts ignore everyone and living own life by herself. She is wasting her nights before go to sleep with tears. To be judge its hurt, especially with people who knows nothing. But she always be judged. She starts to not trusting everyone and fight the hard life by herself. She is keep trying tho even she is not perfect, hoping she will be reaching her dreams and her finish start. Meeting the right people, also love of her live. People who will see her differently and a man will love her unconditionally.

Again
She is just a girl that trying to be a woman in her young ages, fight demon in herself.

P.s. I love you

After we have no time to talk much, to show that i care for you the most, you will be the latest person to know ill be gone soon. I love you the most, i cry and pray to God to have you beside me someday. But sadly i dont know your real feeling to me. Anyway thank you for being super nice to me, thank you for making me smile, laugh, and at least be happy.

What I Learned Recently

Never waiting for something and hoping too much. Keep smiling and do something, take the chances. Moving forward. I know its not easy. Found myself crying over and over again when i try so damn hard and it still not meet the expectations. I got angry, stressed and feeling desperate.

But i look around, i have those people who backs me up. They always there when i feel my world almost over, either its friend, kitchen's mates, my bosses, or even my teachers (also my family, which obviously i fight alone in real life without any help from them, but they are people who backs me up with financial and mental support). When i feel i can not go on anymore, there always any of them who joking around and make me laugh, they always helped me get thru into the exit door each day. They give me power to be strong, to get up, to survive, to finish what i started, to laugh, to smile, to joking around and be happy.

I may not the strongest nor the weakest, but I've been working in places with both situation before. Workplace that could empower me or bring up my weakness. And believe me, we all not perfect. We only human, we could be in above or bottom. No day will be repeated the same. So keep trying, don't give up. Those all places have different demands, you just need to learn how to follow their rules. You have God, yourself, people who backs you up. One thing that you should remember, never keep problem by yourself. Talk to people around you, they may not helping, but at least they know your situation. But if they could help, great, then you are saved.

And always always never forget to give a hand to help. What i learned the more you helped people, they helped you back. They are human, not animal. Treat them like you wanna be treated. And in very very intense situation when you working and don't wanna be disturb at all, you may be on 'fuck off' mode to everyone. Im a chef, I'm always in that situation. Especially in hotel, when you not only working with front of house, but with all the departments in hospitality. There was a time when i feel so in pressure and I don't give any shit to any people. But i always meeting those people everywhere, some people keep smiling while i was so pissed, some other so annoying and could make me go mad. But at least try to reply them with smile or you can ignore it if you really really want to, but afterwards you need to apologise to those people. Explained your situation. They will understand.

So this is life. You learned to do things that you don't even like it at all. People around you could come and go anytime. We changed, they changed. Another time you'll meet them it may be not the same again. It is because circumstances and we all should clearly understand that. I believe, everyone's next to us exist for a reason. Don't hold on over the past. It will never be the same again, I learned so many time that past is biggest barrier in life. This not a movie with happy ending. Our life keep going to future until we die. So everyday you wake up, keep your head up to your future and goals. Personally for me, my everyday is a battle. Especially to chefs out there, keep the spirit up and never forget to do the teamwork! Because mostly your team is people who saved your life. Cheers!

Im the happiest when i see your face, when you talked to me and we have a great conversation i feel glad. I love your jokes, the way you make me laughs. Your smile, it is very innocent. But you know what? If this is not our way and we are not meant to be. Forget it. Let my feeling for you fade away slowly, because maybe im created to be alone. Im done hoping for anyone. I am literally tired of waiting.

Waiting for You, Willingly

I see everyone's started to get a partner that they are dreaming of. While me, still the same, stay alone. I still haven't find my man. You know what? Im fine. I don't want let myself be with the wrong one. While I'm here fight so hard for my life to chase my dreams. I don't care with my friends anymore, they could say anything about me because I'm still alone by now. I have my own life that i choose. I tell you what. I would not lowering my standard. My kind of guy would be the one with the humble heart and could be a good listener and obviously has to be funny also. The one would appreciate my hard work, never underestimating me. Not only falling for me because my personal appearance but he falling for me because he knows who am i, knows my vision, and knows what I've been going thru. And i would love if he is a chef also. But if he is a chef, i want someone with good heart and personality. So much asking? No i think. I want someone that could guide me into a better one, someone that could feel what i feel, someone that don't mind to fight our live together. And i hope you are a man not a guy, a gentle man that could hold my heart not only my hand, a gentle man that could be home where my heart is. If you are out there that I'm waiting for, i don't mind to fight our live together start from zero.

For the days when you feel lonely
For the days you feel sad
When no one seems to understand
When no one seems to care
When everyone in your life feels like a stranger
When you feel like your friends hate you
When you feel like your not as good at the one thing you love to do as you thought
When you feel like your not good at anything
Like you’ll end up doing something you hate because you’re not good at what you love
When you feel like everything and everyone is against you no matter how hard you try
When your feelings are hurt but you don’t want to cry
When your angry but you don’t want to be
When you blame yourself even if it’s not your fault
When someone makes you feel unimportant and not good enough

Just take a deep breath
Breathe deeply until you can see clearly again
Wipe away the almost tears at the corners of your eyes
Breathe until you’re you again
Until you can think straight again
Smile even though you don’t want to
And remember with every fiber of your being:
This is not the end
I have a life ahead of me
I’m being to harsh on myself
I can try again
I will try again
There are thousands of things to be good at
Everyone is good at something
Everyone is great at something
Find something you’re great at and never let it go
Find something you love and never let it go

Some say if you love something let it go, but I say hold on tight and let it blossom into something you can’t live without

Love yourself more than you think you deserve

- J.A.J