Disappointment. Thats what i feel. From family and friends. Theres conflict between my hearts telling me they shud be care otherwise the reality is not. My mind blaming myself but i dont find something wrong with me, did i do wrong to them? Did i ever talk wrong to them? I dont think so. Am i bad person? If i am, is it that bad? Or its they fault? Or this is the circumstance fault? I dont know.
The truth is, yesterday was my birthday and just a view ppl care about me, several of my bestfriends become a bitch. Idk, but i just feel like that. And many ppl who usually greetings me not greetings me anymore this year. My family like usual, they often careless. Even in the end they treated me dinner. Why i say careless? Because they didnt congrats me directly on my bday (except my brother, he called me from aussie in the morning), every year they never concern about surprise and at that day they still annoying. Well, it is not what i imagine. I hate the feeling hunger of care from everyone around me. I mean, where is people attention on my special day? When its their turn, i always pay attention on it, esp my friends. Its weird, u have so many friends but just a little amount of people who care to u the most and they on holiday hahaha what a joke. Wheres the rest of it? Hello? Im surrounded by massive amount of people but I feel like have no one. Today i pull out every shit words that comes thru my mouth to my sister, which is 'being popular is important'. No, it is not that important. It is fun to have lot of people surround u and have many relations in ur life. But the most matter, they are real or not? Or they just shadow who came into ur life and they will disappear when ure not around them anymore? Being popular is just temporary. All we need is real friends. Real friends, never leave u. They will beside u when u are in the greatest moment of life or in the lowest moment of life. And even when time flies and ure not together with 'em , their love for u never fade away. Now, i change my statement, 'having a real friends it is the most important things in ur life'. To get many real friends, all u need to do is being nice to every people around u. Theres no advantage of being mean, it can only decrease friends from ur life. If I was mean in the old days, im sorry. I was blind by 'feeling more' from the another humans, which they are not as lucky as me.
Enough with the talking things, im tired of it. I dont even wanna prize this again. I am person with too much expectation. In the end, i get dissapointed. I dont want to rely on anyone anymore. I also have lesson learn from my mom, shes now 55 years old but she has too many expectation about her life to every person in her family and she get disappointed. She even rely the most to the partner of her life and she still get disappointed. It is something, right? That's why I dont want to rely on anyone, I just want to rely on God and myself. This is the climax time of my life. I learn many things on my 18 bday. Now, as i cant expect many things from anyone, let me taking care of myself. Lemme prove, my life is something that i can be proud of. I wanna be one thousand times better than before. I wanna concern on my future. I wanna be dilligent, pretty, lose 10 kgs, i wanna get a great quality boyfriend, i wanna earn money by myself, and loads of things to wish for. But i cant just only wish, thats a things i MUST work out. Many ways to achieve it, its only matter of time. Also, the most importing of my life right now is; i have to success on my foundation course which is get GPA over 8.0 and get in to UTS. I have to go to Aussie next year. My study in Aussie is my turning point. I want to prove to everyone, that i can. I can be better, i can be mature, and even i can be more success from everyone who under estimate me. Im different, i may have a failure in life, but it doesnt mean im fail. Life still goes on and when still there is a time, we still can repair everything.
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